Forgive. It's a verb: it implies action. Have you ever had to ask forgiveness for something really awful? Have you ever had to forgive someone for something really awful? Have you ever had to forgive yourself for awful things you've done or said? Yes. Yes. Yes.
Forgiveness is something I am just learning to do. I've known about forgiveness but not what it means. It's supposed to make you feel better, give you peace, yadda, yadda, yadda. I've been going to church for more than 20 years, I've heard plenty of sermons on forgiveness - probably even participated in Bible studies on forgiveness. Do I know what it means? I'm learning. I was never taught about this growing up, I've always thought I just need to get over it. I would get hurt, get angry, stuff it down and get over it. Ha! No such luck, buddy. Not to mention the people I've hurt in my angry, stuffing, getting over it mode. Have I asked forgiveness? Maybe once or twice, I honestly don't remember. Terrible. Yes, I'm very disappointed in myself - for sure, but I'm working on that also.
Forgiveness is a process. I read this great book by David Stoop, PhD called Forgiving the Unforgivable. When I started reading the very first chapter, all these names kept popping into my head and I realized that these are the people I need to forgive, including myself. So, I wrote down all of those names, including a couple that I didn't even want to think about, much less see their names written on a piece of paper. (yes, I have issues) As I went through the list and remembered those names, I continued reading. As I progressed through the book, I realized I had already worked through a good bit of the forgiveness process and in quite a few cases, was ready to actually forgive the person.
The forgiveness process starts with placing blame appropriately. Don't deny or blame myself, shut down emotionally, obsess, accuse or excuse, isolate and withdraw or seek revenge. Okay, I did all of these (with the exception of revenge - not that I didn't plan it in my head, but I never acted on it). Now I'm paying it forward - don't do these things, they are bad. They lead to bitterness, loneliness and depression. Place blame appropriately. I was hurt, I got angry and sad and I stuffed it deep down inside and tried to act like nothing happened. I did this for years. I have health issues that will probably never go away because of this including acid reflux, dermatitis, fatigue, and I've been emotionally shut down most of my adult life. I've had to document and learn emotions just so I know what I'm feeling. So, let's teach our children how to forgive.
Next we move on to grieving. Yup, it's a very important step. Grieve what was lost. First I needed to deal with the anger. Anger at the offender. I have plenty of anger from all that stuffing I've done, I just had to place the appropriate anger with the corresponding hurt. Get out your note cards if you need to, write it down, whatever it takes. Once I got some of that anger properly allocated, sadness came along. Sadness about what I've lost, what was done to me. Get out the tissues people, you're gonna need them. It's important for me to work through these steps so that I can feel these emotions and figure out what is making me angry and sad, and forgive when I need to
Last, but not least, forgive. Don't allow yourself to hold this hurt against that person anymore. Easier said than done, I know. Take it one day at a time, I'm thinking it will get easier. It's tough when the people are still in your life and still hurt you occasionally. One verse that's helping me is:
Luke 23:34: Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing."
Sometimes people have no clue how hurtful they're being. Maybe they were raised that way and never saw a need to work on themselves, maybe that's all they know. That is sad. That was me. Keyword: was. When I started following Jesus, I saw a need to change my mean ways. I might've gotten a bit nicer but I was still stuffing all that anger down, still hurting myself and the ones I love by not dealing with it, by not forgiving my offenders, by not asking forgiveness when necessary and not being emotionally present.
I have already forgiven some of the people on my list in my heart but I want to take this final step. I want to write them a letter (no, I'm not sending it), read it out loud, then burn it. I want to put a stake in the ground and not let myself go back to anger and bitterness. I want to be able to love them freely without all this junk between us.
I know that I've written a few little paragraphs about a lifetime of hurt, but this stuff takes time. I've been working on this for a few years and there are a few people that I'm still not ready to forgive. It's okay, I'll get there soon, I can feel it. I've tasted that freedom, and it is good. If you need to forgive someone and have been holding on to anger and sadness, maybe it's time to forgive them. If you're not sure, have someone you love and trust by your side to tell you it's time to forgive. Don't let your grieving turn to bitterness or depression. Forgive. It feels pretty good.
Go, Em! I learned a few years back how unhealthy it is to hold onto the anger. PLUS, it takes a lot of energy to stay mad at someone. You have to work at it to stay mad.
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